urrrka

I can't believe I remembered the password to get into this account. It's been at least 8 months since I posted anything. Last night was interesting, I went to gilman for the first time in probably at least 6 months...I dont even remember the last time I was there to be honest. I ran into a lot of people I havent seen since last year. It's crazy how much of a social scene places like gilman were to me. Literally....as soon as I stopped going to shows I stopped seeing a bunch of people I considered close friends. I've been thinking about that a lot lately, I don't know if it's a sign of getting older or what but I feel like I don't relate to a lot of the people/crowds I use to hang out with. At the same time I feel like its a result of me working so often, Youth Speaks has taken over my entire life. It's incredible because I am doing the type of work that I am passionate about doing but I just wish there was a way to balance out who I was like a year ago with who I am now. I don't have the same friends, interests, or hobbies as I did then and it kind of freaks me out. How can things possibly change that much in such a condense amount of time. I use to just go to shows every weekend and hang out, and now I rarely do either. I guess working and going to school full time can do that to you but it hasn't been an easy transition. Im really glad im in my twenties now. Im not as emotional and dramatic as I use to be which can be expected. I kind of wish I could go back to being younger sometimes...being 16 and going to backyard punk shows while drinking 40's as fast as I could amongst a sea of studded leather jackets...oh and of course there were the police who broke up the party by sending out hellicopters to scare a bunch of teenagers...i miss those days sometimes. Good ol' Wholesome memories.

i won a poetry slam this past thursday


hahahhahaha


someone called me a youth speaks slam champion



hahahahha

its funny cuz im trying


come out on MARCH 17th to the MASONIC AUDITORIUMin SF to see me look stupid and try to flow in front of 3,000 people


hahahaha


hahah....hahahah.....www.youthspeaks.org for more info

I have been working a lot on my writing. Been having a lot ot time to chill and read. Ive been crashing around for about 3 weeks now and its kind of tiring but im not willing to call it quits yet. I refuse to get another shitty job especially since I got offered a Job at Youth Speaks for the Fall. School has been pretty fucking easy which is tight. Youth Speaks prelim slams are going great. Lots of hyphy ass kids in the crowds. Ive been getting a lot of positive feedback on my writing which is encouraging. And today I just found out the person my Mom told me was my Dad isnt. Im not biracial. Have never been biracial. I now have a different Dad then my Sister and Brother. This is crazy because he died when I was 16. That means my actual biological Father is still alive. I am not hysterical. Race and Identity just seem that much more trivial to me. I am officially changing my last name since I have no connection to it.

And tomorrow yeah fucking crazy....this weds is Defiance Ohio and This Bike is A Pipe Bomb....i dont even listen to their records anymore but yeah it should be cool

so much is going on but i can describe and make sense of so little of it....im moving out of my apt tomorrow....its going to be a very interesting upcoming month without a place of my own but ive got many sexy friends so ill be crashing in many sexy locations. ima get fed so i aint worried..but i should really get a Nirvana t-shirt or sumthin cuz im bout to be too grunge in dis..............

christmas was chill. i came to LA along with my cousin, aunt, and sister to visit my mom and brother. First time in years we all got together. Its been fun hanging out with everyone but i feel cornered at the same time since ive constantly been surrounded by people. i have successfully watched more mtv then any one individual should be alotted in a 3 day span thanks to direct tv. I guess thats a good sign for a vacation. its mostly revolved around that sweet sixteen show. although i must say im pretty much over being down here. I dont know what im looking forward to when i get back to san jose/ sf but its bound to be more entertaining then what ive been doing here

so the semester is over tomorrow. i just got my english final back and i got a fatass F on it. I am hoping I dont get a horrible grade cuz there goes my chance of financial aid. I want to say i dont care but ive been working my ass off too hard, been staying up without sleep too often, and have been stressing over school and actual work/money a whoooole lot especially over the last 6 months to mean that. i dont want to give a fuck because ultimately i know that this cant possibly affect too much in the long run...but theres just been a lot of shitty jobs that pay horribly, working my ass off to get shitty grades, and meeting stuck up teachers and co-workers who make me doubt myself lately.

soooo all these sacrifices are suppose to guide me towards long term "goals" in order to fufill abunch of "expectations" that i'm not even sure i have for myself really...but supposedly im bound to be a better person after all of this bullshiiiiet....i wish that destiny's child song "survivor" would come on right now, that would be tight...hella inspiring tu sabes...........wejh687hokw,l....whatever my mom's making hella tamales for christmas

ima just eat all week....that way i can just grow a huge ass and sit on any haters next time they try to come up on me

so i havent posted anything in a long tiiiiime....um yeah. ill just ramble. So after next week i will be school and job free for about a month since i didnt actually quit peet's but they get the point, i tried calling like ten times but they never called back. so yeah whatever. never doing anything semi-corporate again. they worked my way too many hours..way to early in the morning...My preconceptions were right, i was simply a tool to promote consumption in their eyes.

Dang, I did way to many things this semester...working and interning and school and work and daaaayum. luckily ive learned how to stop caring about certain things so much. I always get by. afterall i think by now i should have burnt out. so its cool. shit is good and bad all the time so ya know its always like that. beth is funny. she is sitting next to me. weve been friends for going on 11 year but its a fucking weird friendship. probably just cuz weve been sharing a fucking room in the grit that is the mission district...but yeah

we decided to move by feb 1st which is actually not that far away at all considering im going to visit my mom for christmas. Im either gonna move to san jose or oakland. Oakland cuz its cheap and i wanna get my own place...yeah right but im not skuurrred so maybe it can happen in the 510. or i might move back to san jeezy because my uncle is moving to colombia leaving my aunt and cousin to fend for themselves....basturd, but he needs to handle whatever he needs to do. so yeah i gotta help my tia out if it comes down to it. Besides that i thought i was asexual for reals tho because everything that is related to relationships is ridiculous so i somehow just stopped trying. i thought i quit it but somehow i managed to develop a crush on some old guy for like a day. but then i got over it. Im gonna be busting a poem in front of hundreds of people in like a month. but its a group piece so it should be tight. I cant believe im still standing. Ive had 3 eight to ten page papers all due this week and have been working until 10pm at the brava theatre evry night listening to directors yell at me about shit i dont care about in non theater related life....but it turns out im getting paid twice as much as what i thought....hell yes. so yeah. shit i lost my passport. but yeah whats uuuup...everyone should ramble more so i feel like i know you....be too punk... be too hip hop....que vive la raza..hella asexual n shiet...gonna eat a burrito right twix...im out...one love....hahaha everything is hilarious

i quit my job today


if i havent seen you in hella days...hit me up on my cell cuz we're about to gig

i havent seen the people i considered close friends in hella days

hella though


what da fuck. ive been living in my own little world and i have no idea what's going on.
i got work at 6am tomorrow....thats tight.

whats going on...im cold

Man what i dont get is why people look at me like im weird for being into poetry, spoken word, and hella artsy things when everyone i know writes or is hella sensitive but somehow feels the need to keep it a big secret from the world and their friends because its not cool or seen as weak. Sheit...ive been baggin on myself for feeling overwhelmed instead of just accepting things but i understand now that everyone is weak and vunerable because it's human. so why even front. dont be ashamed dammit....be all artsy, all hippie-ish, all real or whatever stereotype you want to phrase it as. we'll be as one on def poetry or standing outside of a liquor store tryin to spill our message to the world like them crazy folk with the crack pipes on the buses do. thise cats are real, they dont give a fuck what nobody has to say about them. Our capacity to translate internal thoughts and opinions into visual symbolism through any creative venue we choose will always be art, it surpasses conventional themes and expectations. ONE LOVE rastah!!! words as weapons,i call it intelligence.....well actually malcom x did but hey. people will try to faze you but they dont know you...your own mother doesnt even know you as well as you do. if you feel me raise your arms in the arms in the air and reach for the jesus that you internally physically and mentally manifest so in reality you will be reaching for yourself, you are a deity. YOUNG CHILD!!! the standard is yourself. so Spit, dance, spin, emcee, paint, throw up, write, or play whatever...do what you gotta do cuz you can and no one else can do it the way you can. theres no more time to cry, you've got too much work to do.....feed the babies, free all the puppy mill puppies, impeach the bushies, and liberate your mind body and soul....feeeeeeeeeeeel it.

ONE LOVE MOTHAFUCKAS.
im out.

Dude this weird creepy guy i dated when i was like 14 keeps trying to add me on myspace.....its been like 4/5 years since the last time i talked to him. and i stopped for a reason, he is reeeeeally creepy. He was the weirdest fucking person. I have tried to like erase him from my memory. i mean first of all i met him at some outdoor concert put on by KROQ. It was called Inland Invasion and the X, the Damned, the Offspring, T.S.O.L., the Distillers, the Vandals, the Adolescents, Blink-182, Social Distortion, Pennywise, the Sex Pistols, G.B.H., Unwritten Law, New Found Glory, and Bad Religion played.

I mean i wore my only blink 182 shirt to go to an all day outdoor concert where Unwritten fucking law and the sex pistols played. I was an idiotic little kid and some creepy 17 year old guy with his creepy friend followed me and my friends raquel and beth around before we had to trot away so that we could get a ride home with my mom and beth's grandma.

Long story short....He's from the 909 Riverside area, two words associated there...METH LABS...and ends up being a two faced weirdo who told me that he was seeing a bunch of other 14 year old girls(well most likely they were 14 too). The way I recall it, the only reason he was going out with was so that he could get in my pants.....hahahahahahahhahaha. What he said wasnt as nice but I'm almost 20(geez)now and it's fucking hilarious!?! i was never a cool kid and besides no one dates 14 year olds except other 14 year olds. Well thats the way it should be at least. At 14 i was like me but 1 trillion times more awkward and stupid if you can imagine that. I was barely getting into punk and was into all around bad lets wear tight pants and cry because i hate my life and everyone at my middle school kind of screamo....Thinking back i cant believe i never offed my little 14 year old self....i think i was too much into pop punk and obviously blink 182 to be suicidal. that shit just makes you wanna smile and pogo all around...anyways...i dont even know what to do?!....He's creepy and trying to talk to me and it scares me because he was and apparently still is obsessed with davey havoc.....


what da fuck

so i had to put my hamster down today.it wasnt that big of a deal at first because a couple of days ago i thought she would get better. But this morning i sat with her for like 45 minutes. she never moved at all. She was breathing so hard that it looked like her rib cage was about to explode. i had to go but when i got back she was in the same exact place in her cage.I had left her almost seven hours earlier. So Beth and i went to the animal clinic earlier this afternoon. i was keeping my cool because i figured that hammy was suffering too much. It was hard seeing something so small like a dwarf hamster in that condition. As soon as we walked into the clinic there were yelping dogs, caged cats, and insincere staff that made me feel like they were mocking my reasons for being there. When I walked towards the counter it was obvious they thought i was a joke. i didnt know what else to do though. The thing that bugs me the most is that they could look at a small animal that was paralyzed and struggling to even breathe and kinda laugh at the fact that someone even cares about it, especially enough too consider getting it treatment or putting it down.

anyways...i totally lost it as soon as i got in. it was too overwhelming. It was really sad to witness first hand the level of indifference that people constantly treat animals with. I totally started crying...i had to pay 45 bux that i didnt even have and wait like 20 minutes to see a doctor who was only in the room with me for a minute. literally. Luckily beth was there to help me chill ha.

maaan. that shit was sad though....its kinda funny cuz when i was a kid i thought i wanted to be a veterinarian....im glad i never pursued that

ive resorted to hustling.....stealing my roommates food and assorted snackies. sneaking into cafes to use the internet without buying anything and sitting in the dark corners. ive been wandering the streets talking to myself and pacing about in anticopation of when ill find another job, and ive been wearing the same outfits practically day after day because some of my clothes are in dire need of washing.....when i wear my backpack i look like a turtle

ive become a nomad

and apparently i dont have the skills to work in a fine dining enviroment...im either to ethnic or too punk


hahahahahahahahahhahahah

awww.i hate my life

We live next door to Scott! I mean what are the odds that we're renting a room next to someone we fucking know....he doesnt even think its a big deal at all....seriously....what are the goddamn fucking odds in a city like San Francisco that you could coincidently move in to the same apartment as someone you know through shows and mutual friends. Shit is bananas.

Besides that Im this close to just selling out and getting a job at Pete's Coffee...but who knows Ive got a interview at a independent movie theater tomorrow but then there goes my weekends. Work blows.

anything that has to do with work. bosses. or customers........

fucking ridiculous

i put in my two weeks notice

.....never a-fucking-gain

i showed up at the financial aid office at 8:30 thinking i would get there early since it doesnt open till 9am

there was a line of about 25 people in front of me

i had to leave to go to work

i havent recieved a paycheck in weeks and i have to pay for tuition and books

im hungry, tired, poor, and bitter.....but theres a really cute guy in my ethnic politics class

we ride the same bus...im hoping one day a strong gust of wind blows by us on our commuite home, his shirt would get whisked off in the freak inferno of wind and he'll lose his balance and stumble onto my lap in the chaos






fuck just let me live my life

defiance ohio and the fugees

fucking tight

I don’t know if I like all this. Ive have consistently been dealing with ridiculous people in my personal and work life. I mean im not saying I’m some kind of martyr, but it seriously makes me really saddened to know that individuals are capable of acting with such complete disregard for others.

I don’t understand a ‘fuck other people’ kind of mentality. I don’t understand the concept of intentionally doing and saying mean and spiteful things….I don’t see the gratification in knowing or seeing suffering and pain on someone else’s face. And I especially don’t understand how people can pull this kind of shit with close family, friends, or co-worker.what is the fucking point. Its like no matter what it’s a shitty situation, it sucks to deal with it and it sucks to ignore it……I want to say I hate people and that i dont care but thats not the case and that’s why this bullshit is so fucking..........dududumb

dude any self help section in a book store is fucking awesome!!!

I feel like a turd writing this shit. I always end up sounding emo or just dumb, which i guess others or even myself might classify me as. except not really since no one i know uses any term involving the words dumb emo kid any more.

yes. well ive been in between san jose and san francisco for a a couple months now since i have to move out of my apartment by the 1st. im not to sure about all that. i mean i like being in the city cuz theres shit to do and ways to get around. but at the same time san jose is nice in a slow and me not having to do anything way. i feel weird in either place, like i get bored or even more importantly i feel like i have no one to chill with. i know i have tons of friends, or at least people who are more then aquaintences but i rarely talk to people on a consecutive basis and it bugs me. well i have no stable job and no real home as of now. why do i have to be such a girl about everything. im seriously like the stereotype of that shit. except i hate pink and id rather eat spooge cupcakes then wear something frilly...maybe individuals like me will bring back the term dumb emo kid....que vive la raza or something